If Perimenopause was a Resort in Paradise

One day, likely in your 40s (or in your 30s if you are one of the select lucky overachievers) you will be transported to a spectacular paradise that will blow your mind. If you thought the tanning beds, Olestra-laden snacks, and overall fuckery of your 20s was the ultimate prize, just brace yourself for the delights that await you in Perimenopause Paradise.

Upon your arrival, your body temperature will fluctuate erratically with zero warning. One minute you are donning a Costco cardigan and the next you are pulling your leggings up past your knees, throwing your hair in a ponytail, and sweating from every single pore on your body. The good news is that when the sweats end, you have a little layer of your own droplets that evaporate and bring a tiny tingle of cool. Until the cycle starts over again. Complimentary personal fans will be distributed at this time, and we recommend keeping them on you at all times.

Next you will be shown to your room, which is equipped with an array of sleeping accoutrements including cooling blankets, cervical pillows, knee pillows, body pillows, sleep masks, and earplugs in case you choose not to be entertained by your partner’s melodic snoring throughout your completely unrelaxing slumber. We also offer in-room leg compression recovery boots to help with restless leg syndrome as well as heating pads of varying shapes and sizes.

As you awaken from the most restless of sleeps, we suggest moving slowly since at least 3 areas of your body will be in pain for no reason at all. Your bathroom is equipped with an extra-large counter to fit the 97 supplements you take every morning. For your convenience, we keep over-the-counter delights on tap. Our daily specials change, but our staples include digestive aids, melatonin-laced gummies, and something to get the extra cortisol the hell out of your body.

Everyone will be issued a weighted vest to help strengthen muscles and prevent full-blown osteoporosis before it’s time. Feel free to wear it to work out or make it part of your personality as you wear it all day and call it a “workout”. During daylight hours we have many groups that meet to discuss topics like air fryers, refinancing and home renovations, and sourdough. There is a weekly sesh for everyone to compare their current surprise ailments and lament over the rapidly rising cost of eggs.

While it’s not mandatory, we do have a state-of-the-art face shaving station complete with adorable pink straight razors and a magnifying mirror with several settings to find just the right lighting to remove your stache and soul patch. Tweezers for stubborn chin hairs are available upon request. A full array of serums is available, from vitamin C to firming peptides. Every night at 7pm in the courtyard, we stand gazing up at the moonlight to enjoy a retinol and minoxidil shower straight from the heavens while we ward off wrinkles and thinning hair. The VIP package includes a Sertraline body wrap to get your anxiety under control.

Our freezers are packed with ice packs and cooling tools to combat the vicious itching that attacks your entire body leaving unmistakable stress hives, especially on your neck area. You can also indulge in perfectly chilled migraine caps, and cold sleeves of various shapes and sizes outfitted for different body parts to ease the day’s unexplained pain. 

The resort dress code is all leggings all the time. Preferably black and high-waisted with the ability to perform optical illusions like making your lower pooch and/or muffin top disappear. If you do not have your own readers, you will be fitted for a pair so you can actually see everything you read instead of squinting and turning on your cell phone flashlight.

Before everyone retires to their rooms for an evening of doom scrolling social media because you lost the ability to fall asleep, we have one last ritual where we pray to the saint of sanity to keep us from spiraling while we sip a specialty blend of tea that helps you poop – because you can’t do that anymore either.  We offer a full selection of tea “enhancers” such as colostrum powder, collagen (liquid or powder), biotin and all the letter vitamins.

We hope you enjoy your stay in Perimenopause Paradise…. for the next eight to ten years.