Let's Be Friends
If we’ve learned anything about friendships by the time we hit midlife, it’s that they can take many forms. So how are Gen X and Xennial women maintaining and sustaining their friendships in a post-pandemic world? We quizzed our community on their friendship habits and there were a few things that stood out.
Quality Over Quantity
It will come as a surprise to no one that in the wake of the busy busy busy culture that defined our early career days languishing at brunch with our friends is just kind of not happening for most of us at this stage of life (remember brunch? I miss brunch.) Only 1 in 4 of the women over 40 we spoke to expect to see their friends with any kind of regularity. In fact, the majority of readers said they see their good friends anywhere from once a month to having to wait a year or more between hang sessions.
Younger friendships were easier to make and maintain because we were stuck together – like in college or at work. When I meet new people now, whether through work or my husband, it has become much more important that we share interests, be aligned politically, and that we get along sober. I wasn’t as worried about that in my 20s.
- Samantha Condello
In my 40s, quality time with friends has been a hike or a longer phone call. An afternoon at the beach is a major luxury. In our 20s, I was with my friends all the time – at work, at bars, lamenting our love lives at the laundromat – but we had jealousies and pettiness. My friendships now are so far beyond that. - Joanna Schroeder
You're My Text Friend
Group texts have become a lifeline when it comes to staying in touch (and sane). And apparently, a lot of them have clever names. (Mine, made up of 5 college friends, is called “Dead Prom.” Don’t ask.)
I have a local friend group, but I would say that my biggest support is a trio of girlfriends that go back 20+ years. We live around the country, but keep pretty much daily contact on a text thread i have aptly labeled ‘Sanity Sisterhood’. – Tania Reuben
I have a group text that never stops. We call it the breakfast club. - Shoshana Kohn-Kutny
I have a group of very close friends from my teens and 20s. We were in the trenches together and even though a few moved away, we’ve stayed very close, I talk to friends from THAT group pretty much daily. Texting makes that easy. - Samantha Condello
Sometimes It’s Hard
There’s no doubt about it – midlife can feel isolating, everyone’s lives are changing at different paces, moving at different speeds, spread different levels of thin. But just like the seasons you long for have changed, so will the one you’re in.
I have definitely struggled with this, especially making "mom friends" as my kids get older. Having kids definitely changes friendship dynamics, long-standing deep friendships can change depending on our own children's dynamics with each other. - Stacie Hamilton Martinez
It gets harder as you get older. As your kids grow up it’s easy to lose those close friends you had before the kids went to school. Parents get busy with kid activities, retire and it’s just hard to keep those connections. - Leigh Miller
I still miss the daily local friendships, pizza nights, impromptu stop-ins…That might be a hangover from mommy and me group days, but it’s harder now to find and secure those relationships. - Jessica Ashley
Resilience is Key
Something a lot of women in our community stressed is the increased flexibility, forgiveness, and understanding that comes with maturing friendships.
I think what works with all of my midlife friendships is that we give one another the benefit of the doubt that an unreturned text or call that goes unanswered isn't personal. We're secure, we've got a lot going on, and we value what we do get from one another. - Joanna Schroeder
I work full-time and work long hours and lots of my friends don’t. I think of myself as a “foul-weathered” friend. I’m not always around when things are great, but when sh*t hits the fan, I will make sure I’m there. - Sarah Winer Maizes
My high school friends would fly across to country to bail me out of jail. I can write them after months of not talking and nobody cares. A tether that deep is hard to break. Is it wrong to say that the key to sustaining adult friendships is to lower your emotional expectations? They have kids and partners and aging parents. Sometimes, they have nothing left to give and sometimes you have nothing left to give and that's okay. -Shoshana Kohn-Kutny
Diversify
It was awesome to see how many of the women in our community have hung on to a lifelong bestie – there’s definitely something magical about having someone by your side who really puts the FOREVER in BFF. But it was also fantastic to read odes to the many meaningful friendships forged after 40. Maintaining friendships from different stages of life is part of what makes us the well-rounded mature people we worked so hard to become.
My BFF and I found each other in 1st grade. We started holding hands because we were scared and we haven't let go since! I still have plenty of friends that have come and gone, but she is my diehard. - Candace Brothers
“I’ve streamlined my friends now that I’m in my 50’s. A few in the city where I live, a few across the country that I’ve known for 3 decades, and several good digital friends that I’ve met on social.” - Lizzie Bermudez
I have so many amazing, nurturing relationships with people around the world. I’ve got my besties from high school who I see every few months. I have friends I talk to on Marco Polo or text every damn day. It’s an abundance of friendship wealth. - Jessica Ashley
We’d love to hear about how you’re making friendships after 40 work for you! Email your experiences to issues@shesgotissues.com to share your friendship wisdom!
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