You learned about a viral video from a story you heard on NPR
You still CALL your girlfriends on the PHONE
You have ‘at least’ one school picture with a scrunchie on your wrist
Grocery stores play all your jams
Your Teen Beat heartthrobs have hair plugs now (and are on the cover of
AARP)
You write notes to your kids in cursive…and they can’t read them
You still possess mix tapes but not one cassette player
You know White Claw is just Zima in better packaging
You are still afraid that you’ll die of dysentery on the Oregon Trail
Dylan or Brandon is still a deep struggle
Your kid asks you where you were for the OJ verdict. Just kidding. They ask
you who OJ is.
Your kids will never know the sheer DREAD of your dad answering the phone
and a boy being on the other end waiting to ask you out
You sing “School House Rock” songs to help your kid study for History tests
If Jordan Catalano busted through your front door you’d leave your
husband, no questions asked
You have unironically told your child to "take a chill pill."
You told your family the brownies for the bake sale were off limits by rapping MC Hammer's
"Can't Touch This."
You wonder if your middle child is a Jan Brady
You own two Depeche Mode t-shirts, but can't remember how you got them
When you see teens wearing Nirvana shirts you angrily ask them if they actually know any
lyrics
You got Paramount Plus so you could watch the Real World Reunion series
You can ID the smell of Aqua Net and Aussie Hair products from a mile away
You call a hashtag ‘the pound button’
You stopped listening to new music in 2001
Life lessons you share with your kids you learned entirely from Full House and Facts of Life
You assert your pop culture relevance by quoting facts learned from VH1’s “Behind the Music”
You are not afraid of much, after all, you drank Crystal Pepsi
You get wildly offended when your kids say “Ok, Boomer.”
At least once a day you see a teen wearing exactly what you wore in college
Your children know all the lyrics to Dead or Alive by Bon Jovi and Shoop
by Salt-n-Peppa