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99 Deep Thoughts From A Menopausal Insomniac



1. Is it hot in here or is it just my internal furnace malfunctioning? Hmmmm – I could start a side gig for sauna sessions.


2. I wonder if sheep ever get tired of being counted. They're probably plotting their revenge.


3. What if the hokey pokey really is what it's all about?


4. If I fall asleep now, I'll get exactly 3 hours and 47 minutes of sleep.


5. Remember that embarrassing thing I did in 1997? Let’s dwell on that.


6. Are my plants getting enough water... or too much? - Either way, it's a botanical mystery at midnight.


7. Should I start a podcast? Everyone has one. I could call it 'Insomniac Chronicles.'


8. Do we have any ice cream left?


9. I could reorganize the kitchen cabinets right now. The spice rack could use a 2 AM overhaul.


10. Is Mercury in retrograde or is it just Tuesday? Either way, the planets are obviously conspiring against me.


11. I bet my cats have a secret life I know nothing about. Probably running at cat nightclub while I'm trying to sleep.


12. How many licks does it actually take to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop?


13. And where does one find Tootsie Pops at this hour?


14. I should’ve learned to play the guitar when I was younger. Now my lullabies are just thoughts.


15. Maybe I’ll take up yoga. Or is Pilates better? Either way, it's exercise I'll ponder but never do.


16. I wonder if I can remember all the state capitals. Spoiler alert: I can't.


17. Should I start knitting? Seems like a nice, quiet hobby. Or my final level of cat lady achievement is complete.


18. I miss Blockbuster nights. Simpler times, when the biggest worry was rewinding the tape.


19. Do I really need to go to that meeting tomorrow? Plotting ways to become independently wealthy instead.


20. I should write a book. About insomnia. Chapter One: The Ceiling and Me.


21. If I switch pillows, would that help? Is this one cold enough? No, what the hell?


22. How do cats always look so comfortable when they sleep? Meanwhile, I'm here like a human pretzel.


23. Why did I drink that coffee at 4 PM? I deserve this hell.


24. I should’ve been a detective; I'm great at overthinking; solving the case of the missing Z's.


25. What’s the meaning of life? Am I doing it? Is there something else I should be doing?


26. I wish I could remember where put my favorite earrings. Maybe they're partying with my lost Kindle.


27. I could plan my next vacation. At 2 AM. Because that's when the best (and worst) decisions happen.


28. How do you fold a fitted sheet properly? Why do we fold anything?


29. I should start meal prepping. That’s a thing healthy people do. Or I’ll lay here and think about pizza.


30. What would my superhero power be? Clearly, staying awake for eternity.


31. Maybe I should learn a new language. Spanish, French...what does DuoLingo...oh look an IG notification.


32. Do I need a new mattress? How old is this one? How long do they last again?


33. I wonder if there are any new deals on Amazon.


34. I bet I could bake some cookies right now. I know I could eat some.


35. Should I rearrange the living room furniture? A 4 AM furniture shuffle seems reasonable.


36. What’s the name of that song that’s been stuck in my head? You know the one, it goes...wait how’s it go again?


37. I could go for a midnight snack. Which is different than my stifled daytime snacking.


38. Maybe I'll start a garden. But what if I kill all the plants? Gardening by moonlight, a new trend?


39. I should clean out my email inbox. - Because nothing says productivity like a 3 AM email purge.


40. Are aliens real? If they are, do they sleep better than I do?


41. I wonder what my high school friends are doing now. Probably sleeping, like normal people.


42. If I were a cat, I’d be asleep by now. Cats are so lucky.


43. What’s the capital of Mongolia? Where even is Mongolia?


44. I should make a new playlist for jogging. As if I'm actually going jogging tomorrow.


45. What if I dye my hair purple? A midnight decision bound to be regretted at dawn.


46. Is it too late to learn ballet?


47. Maybe I’ll start writing a diary... "Dear Diary, still awake."


48. I should drink more water. But then I’d have to get up again. The hydration dilemma.


49. Do penguins have knees?


50. I could make a quilt. I just don’t want to.


51. Should I start collecting something? Stamps? Coins? Random streams of consciousness?


52. I wonder what it’s like to be a bird. Flying around shitting on things. Divas.


53. Maybe I'll start a blog about insomnia. First post: "How to Stare at the Ceiling 101."


54. I should've been a pirate. I got that booty.


55. What if I rearrange my closet by color? Or maybe by size, that way the bloat clothes are ready.


56. I could learn to make sushi. But I don’t even eat it, so that’s dumb.


57. Why do we say “cheese” when taking pictures? What was the situation where “cheese” was first uttered in front of the camera?


58. What if I just sell everything and move to a cabin in the woods?


59. Maybe I'll take up painting.


60. Do ghosts exist? If they do, maybe they know how to sleep.


61. What if I wrote a screenplay? A menopausal insomniac serial killer slaughters the PTA.


62. I need a new hobby.


63. I wonder how many part time jobs I would need if I quit my job.


64. Should I adopt another pet?


65. I could start a band!


66. What if I invented something?


67. I should try meditation. Or is it too quiet? Yes, thoughts too loud.


68. I could learn to code. What even is coding?


69. What are my neighbors doing right now?


70. Should I go back to school? Pretty sure I could get my MBA done overnight.


71. I wonder if I can build a treehouse.


72. Is it normal to talk to cats?


73. I should have a garage sale. Nevermind, no one wants my shit.


74. Maybe I’ll learn to cook exotic dishes. As long as they fit in the airfryer.


75. What if time travel is real?


76. I should make a bucket list.


77. I should write real, old fashioned letters to my friends.


78. What if I start a home business?


79. I wonder what’s happening in space right now. Probably more peaceful than my bedroom.


80. Should I learn to play chess?


81. Why do we dream? I miss dreaming.


82. What if this whole thing is actually a dream?


83. I wonder if there are any new documentaries I should watch. Because that’s always relaxing.


84. Should I change my hair?


85. I could start scrapbooking.


86. What if I start doing yoga at sunrise? Or I could find some other people doing yoga, and watch them.


87. I wonder what my fifth-grade teacher is doing now.


88. Should I learn origami? Or is that not eco-friendly anymore what with wasting all the paper?


89. What’s on Netflix? Because nothing says 'sleep aid' like binge watching until dawn.


90. I could write a cookbook. - First recipe: Midnight Snack Mix.


91. Should I redecorate the house?


92. Why do I always get the urge to clean at night? Who doesn't love vacuuming in the moonlight?


93. I could take up bird watching. It seems like a hobby for someone who’s up at the crack of dawn anyway.


94. What if I wrote a novel? Plot twist: the protagonist hasn’t slept in years.


95. Should I start making my own clothes? As if my life needs another thread to unravel.


96. I wonder if I can learn to juggle. I have to be smarter than clowns.


97. Should I become a morning person? As if I have a choice with this sleep schedule.


98. I could learn to sculpt. But the ick under my fingernails, gross.


99. Why am I like this?

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