1. Saving $20 per month on period products means you have $20 per month to donate to organizations that support people who can’t afford them.
2. You’re saving landfills and Mother Earth from more than twenty pads or tampons a month.
3. For menstrual cup users: no more inserting (oh so carefully), or removing (even more carefully), especially in airplane lavatories.
4. No more having to worry if the story you read online about the woman who sneezed out her menstrual cup was true.
5. No matter what period product you used to use, sneezing and coughing are much less risky now, (at least as far as your vagina is concerned, your urethra and pelvic floor are still toast. Blame your children, not yourself).
6. No more birth control means fewer pharmacy pick ups, no more IUDs getting dislodged, and no more dogs mistaking your diaphragm for a chew toy.
7. Farewell to period cramps, which studies have now confirmed are as painful as a heart attack (we confirmed that every time we entered the fetal position hugging a heating pad).
8. You can schedule your annual OBGYN visit without worrying that you’re going to get your period an hour before your appointment. (They say they don’t care, but us peoplepleasers sure do!)
9. No more PMS moodiness, bloating, migraines and fatigue. Don’t let that stop you from eating ice cream out of the carton before taking a nice nap though.
10. Speaking of feeling exhausted, now your body has a fighting chance to retain enough iron to stop getting ‘anemic’ alerts on all your blood test results.
11.. You can finally look at a calendar and just see a calendar. Not “safe days”, “can’t go to the pool days” or “fertile days”.
12. White pants.
13. White dresses.
14. White shorts.
15. White skirts.
16. White sheets.
17. White everything!
18. No more of that thing where you wake up in the middle of the night and can sense that you’ve exceeded all period product absorption limits, and you have to try to slide out of bed while allowing your body to remain horizontal for as long as humanly possible before engaging every pelvic floor muscle to hold back the floodgate, and simultaneously using both hands to apply vaginal pressure like people in the movies do for gun shot victims, and then waddling across the hall to the bathroom to assess the damage…
19. … and when closer analysis confirms that both your underwear and pajama bottoms are goners, and your only hope for clean underwear lies in a drawer twenty feet, and a shared family hallway away…
20. … and how on your journey to the dresser, you have to use both hands to tug down the hem of your shirt as low as humanly possible to prevent any potential mooning, and emotional scarring, of unsuspecting children you may encounter on your journey…
21. … and of course, the 27 follow up steps to wipe up, wipe down, dispose of, rinse, stain-remove and essentially do a crimescene style cleaning before you can return to bed.
22. Same as above, but any time you remain in a seated position for more than an hour, typically in the most public and socially inconvenient situation imaginable.
23. No more checking every chair to ensure you haven’t left “your mark”.
24. No more having to ask a friend or partner to walk awkwardly close behind you on your way to the restroom when you do.
25. No more having to haul around an emergency cardigan for when there are no humans available, or willing, to act as your back-end blocker.
26. No more hauling around emergency underwear during the ever-surprising perimenopausal period when your ovaries are having a “going-out-ofbusiness” sale and no period tracker known to humankind can predict the frequency, duration, or volume of your periods anymore.
27. No more worrying if your period tracker data could be used by patriarchal politicians for nefarious purposes.
28. No more waking up mortified after going all “The Shining” in a hotel bed…
29. No more panicking when you wake up lying on your back to the sensation of your butt crack becoming a menstrual log flume.
30. When camping, you don’t have to weigh the pros and cons of doing a middle of the night in-tent tampon switcheroo versus making the journey to the creepy outhouse.
31. When camping, you also don’t need to worry whether or not it’s true that bears are attracted to the scent of blood.
32. Same with sharks! (While swimming, not while camping. If you have sharks sneaking in your tent you have bigger problems than still having a period.)
33. You don’t have to stash emergency pads and tampons in every purse, backpack, briefcase or glove compartment you own.
34. No more panicked searches of each of these stashes when you’re down to your very last tampon or pad, and then inevitably send your partner on an emergency period product run, while replying to “is this the right one?” texts from the (dis)comfort of a toilet seat.
35. When you go to a venue with a clear bag policy, you don’t have to let everyone know whether you’re regular or super flow.
36. You can finally throw out that emergency purse pad that came unwrapped months ago and keeps collecting loose coins and Goldfish crumbs on its adhesive strip.
37. More importantly than not having to deal with the inconveniences of a period, menopause means you’ve finally hit the stage of life where you can more easily shrug off any of the situations above because:
38. You’re becoming more confident in who you are.
39. You don’t care (as much) about what other people think.
40. You’re learning about your values and setting the boundaries needed to protect them.
41. You’ve curated a circle of friends who you can be yourself with, and are starting to cut off toxic relationships.
42. You’ve got at least one group text chat thread filled with people who have your back, and who give excellent advice at all hours of the night.
43. You’re old enough to have experienced loss, and know how lucky you are to have hit a milestone that many of your friends didn’t.
44. You’ve been through this before. Your hormones, body and mind went through an incredible transformation during puberty and they’re at it again. But now you have the wisdom and courage to demand the information and care you need. This is no time to be shy – blame the hormones if you need to.
45. Now that procreation is off the table, your body and mind can shift their energy to helping you create the life you want for yourself.
46. Whether you carried babies or not, your body has been dedicated to caring for others for a long time. Menopause is the perfect time to shift your priority to caring for yourself.
47. Instead of others, you can nurture your interests, talents and curiosity.
48. Without a period, sexy time is any time, and now that sex is only about pleasure and not procreation (or avoiding procreation), you have more freedom to think about what pleasure means to you.
49. You have the wisdom and experience to apply to your own future decisions and to share with younger generations.
50. You’re the most you that you’ve ever been.
51. And you’re just getting started.
Susanne Kerns is a mom & … writer, LGBTQIA+ ally, and co-host of the Mom & … Podcast, where she helps other women get intentional about their lives outside of “mom”. Her writing has been featured in several parenting anthologies, as well as Scary Mommy, Redbook, Parents, Today Parents, and more. Find her at susannekerns.com.