When it came to female friendships back in the day, the bigger the better was my style. Before I had kids, and an insatiable desire for a full night’s sleep, the weekends were packed with elaborate plans for varying levels of lady debauchery. Nights out included a full entourage all wearing some version of the obligatory staple black bootleg or slightly flared 90s pants (IYKYK) paired with a sassy tube top that would disintegrate after the first washing.
I cannot think of a single chapter in my life that my girlfriends were not an essential part of. I was born and raised to be a girls’ girl and will forever be grateful to my mother for that. I also feel truly lucky to still have my closest friends be the ones I made as a little girl (many as early as kindergarten). People have come and gone but my friendship foundation is solid, tightknit, and trusted implicitly. They are my NorthStar friends, and they set the bar high.
In my mid 30s, the shit hit the fan, and I went through a horrible divorce. I put my guard all the way up, kept more to myself, and didn’t want to engage in a single social situation. It’s also true when they say people around you change when you go through a divorce. I was a newly single mom to a toddler and didn’t have time for bullshit. I consciously distanced myself from people I didn’t feel connected to; I cleaned out my social media accounts and purged anyone who was only in my life by circumstances tied to that failed first marriage. It felt oddly liberating and completely changed my mentality on female friendship.
With a fully functioning frontal lobe, regular therapy, and the right dose of Zoloft, I looked at friendship through a completely different lens. In the safety of a healthy second marriage, with a tried-and-true support system, and the zero fucks everyone talks about once you hit middle age, my eyes were wide open.
In my 20s, I broke up with a friend of decades because she betrayed me.
In my 30s, I broke up with a friend who gossiped about me and my divorce while I was in the thick of it.
In my 40s, I broke up with a friend who ended up being shady, fake, and a perpetual victim of the drama she created.
Now as I edge up to my 50s (shout out to Botox and Dysport), I traded my people pleasing era for transparency and calling people out on their bullshit. I have ZERO regrets. We break up with partners, quit jobs, change bad habits, and more throughout our lives. So why do people get so uncomfortable extending that mindset to friend breakups?
Imagine maintaining a friendship that is not good for you just so you don’t ruffle any feathers. You don’t have to be mean, messy or dramatic about it. You can simply remove toxic dynamics from your life, and you don’t owe anyone an explanation. Some people feel guilty about removing people from their life. I am not one of them anymore.
For me, this applies to family as well. Blood does not entitle someone to treat you like trash and expect you to take it and move on because you share DNA.
I also don’t subscribe to ghosting. In my breakups, I have always had (multiple) conversations about anything that didn’t sit right with me. Either it clicks or it doesn’t. If everyone owns their respective shit and we can have real talk, perhaps it’s salvageable. But the minute I am hit with a game of playing dumb, or worse, playing victim, I am done. It’s a calculated decision to recognize and remove anyone who is not on board with protecting you and your peace.
Pivotal moments throughout the seasons of different girlfriends resulted in a wealth of introspection and intel. I don’t miss the ones I broke up with. I unequivocally made the right choice. No longer do I make excuses for ending relationships thar picked away at my sanity.
Some of my standard dealbreakers in female friendships include:
Talks shit about her “friends”.
Liars.
Opportunists.
A woman who calls everyone her best friend.
The inability to take accountability and apologize.
Mean girls.
Women who say no to the breadbasket and/or dessert (Just kidding…kind of).
Surrounding yourself with people who have your back (whether you are present or not) is important and healthy. We have been conditioned to believe that breaking up with a friend is mean, petty, and unnecessary. I think it screams self-preservation and self-awareness. We’re supposed to just excuse someone’s behavior by saying things like, “but she has such a good heart, she’s just misunderstood”, “she means well”, “she’s harmless” and a million other bullshit excuses steeped in people pleasing.
The thing about getting older (and wiser) is that as you become more comfortable in your skin and acting in the best interest of you and your immediate family. Us GenXers are not intimidated by confrontation and setting boundaries. We don’t care about pissing people off for the sake of maintaining the status quo. The manipulation and gaslighting that worked on us in our younger days went right out the window with our perky boobs and regular menstrual cycle.
If you are struggling with breaking up with a friend, please know that you are allowed to do uncomfortable (and perhaps unpopular) things to maintain your safe space. If they make you feel less than and constantly cause issues in your life, you do not have to accept it. One of the best parts of getting older and learning who you are is surrounding yourself with quality girlfriends who enrich your life. Don’t settle for less, ladies.